d.i.f.b.s. or d.c.f.s.i.

(Warning: I am sleep deprived and angry. Bad language follows.)

This is what descending into madness looks like:

8:48 170 // 2.2u IOB
9:12 138
9:30 103 // juice (15g)
9:50 129
11:36 143
1:08 104 // temp basal (20% for 1 hour)
1:35 108
2:07 106 // temp basal (0% for 1 hour)
2:43 111
3:25 147 // temp basal (0% for 1.5 hours)
3:30 I went to bed
5:01 217
5:02 I went back to sleep
6:32 226

I named this blog Neurotic City for a reason, you know. Looking back, I can see where I went wrong. At 1:00am I should have just cranked her temp basal to 0% for an hour or two and gone to bed. But I've done that before and woken up to 300's a few hours later. Besides, I wasn't thinking clearly.

The DOC was rocked yesterday by the news that another child had been lost to DIB syndrome. For some of my non-DOC friends, this may be the first time you've heard of it. It's not something I included in my Christmas letter or our fundraising video. I usually don't mention it because it is unspeakably horrific. But that doesn't keep me from thinking about it. A lot.

When people express surprise that John or I get up once or twice every night to check L's blood sugar, I usually say, "It's better than the alternative! Ha-HA!" Sometimes it's a genuine laugh, but lately it's been kind of forced and bitter. Because the truth is, I could check her TEN TIMES A NIGHT (see: last night) and she could still die of dead in fucking bed syndrome (and what kind of a fucked up name is that anyway).

I did not know Eilish or her family. I understand that they did everything they could to keep their daughter healthy. EVERYTHING. But the fact remains that type 1 diabetes is a disease without a cure. Not only that, you can do every. single. thing. right. And it still doesn't guarantee anything.

Can you imagine being diagnosed with an chronic illness where one of the "complications" is SHORTENED LIFE EXPECTANCY, and your doctor tells you there's no cure, but there is medicine that can keep you alive.

Some days you need one pill. But if you're exercising, you'll probably only need half a pill. Or if you're sick, you might need two pills. Or if you're on your period you might need a half a pill or two pills, it really depends on the person. And if you eat certain foods, you'll need to take some extra pills, but you must know the magic number of each food before you know how many extra pills you need. But sometimes you won't know the exact magic number of your food, so then you should just guess how many pills you should take.

Also, if you don't take enough pills then you could get really sick really quickly and fall into a coma and die. Or if you don't take enough pills over a long period of time you may end up with heart or liver disease or no feeling in your extremities or blindness or maybe you won't be able to have a baby. But if you take too many pills, then you could pass out and die. And it's not really pills, it's actually a fluid that has to be injected into your body, either with needles or a pump that's attached to you 24 hours a day.

Oh and by the way, even if you do everything above with unerring precision, YOU COULD STILL DIE IN YOUR SLEEP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. SWEET DREAMS!

Diabetes can fucking suck it.